Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
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“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.