8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
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Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
i baked you a cake
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Word!
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?