The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
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The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”