I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
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[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.