If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
This is why I hate group projects
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.