Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
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Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.