[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
You Might Also Like
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Breaking news:
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close