Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
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I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”