roman lesbians: *caesaring*
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OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.