Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
You Might Also Like
A small tragedy.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!