Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
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FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
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I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.