My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
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I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok