Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
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First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort