“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
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Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.