If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
S/o to @funTweeters .
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
me
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker