Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
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we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool