It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
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My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
“you changed” bro i was 15
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.