girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
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My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.