*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
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My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday