I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
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ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you