if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
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Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Tastes like chicken.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣