[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
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[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
He’s cranky this morning
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I love art.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.