[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
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We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
That de-escalated quickly
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
それは草
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.