Good advice.
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What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK