A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
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If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
good let them take over I have had enough
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?