Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
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Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
bad news gang
I came this close!!!!
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes