[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
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If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.