Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
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Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!