What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
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*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
“No way.” -Jose
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.