Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
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[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
The French word for sex is croissant.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue