The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
You Might Also Like
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them