you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
You Might Also Like
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.