My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
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First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.