Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
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Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Banana is the quietest snack
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.