[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
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If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.