My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
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guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time