If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
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Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes