Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
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Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
constantly working on myself.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”