“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
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Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be