any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
You Might Also Like
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.