If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
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Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
White parent Vs Arab parents
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Squirrels before girls.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.