i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
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Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
❤️❤️❤️
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]