He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
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Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”