wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
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If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it