since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
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I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
smh
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
I’m tired tomorrow.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.