Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
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Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.