Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
You Might Also Like
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Best spoiler warning ever
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
eating my hot dog hamburger style
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.