her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
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She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.