Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
You Might Also Like
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Don’t tell me what to do
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw