We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
You Might Also Like
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams